How To Be A Rap Star

Have you ever turned on television and found yourself watching BET, MTV, or VH1? Has the first video that came on been "Big Pimpin'" by Jay-Z, or a 50 Cent video? Have you ever thought to yourself that someday you would be that thug in one of those videos holding a glock, or be a prostitute “shackin’ yo’ ass” in front of the camera while trying to dodge all of the crabs that are moving from person to person? Many would say yes; however, seeing how I have no black friends, everyone reading this would say no. But for all of you missing out, cheer up Whitey, because below is a list of things you can do to show off your wads of $100 bills being thrown around everywhere.

• Have a kick ass band name. It doesn’t matter if the name makes sense, or even has some stupid story behind it, as long as it sounds good. Having a good sounding name means it is much more marketable, thus giving you more money. Just like Nike, McDonalds, and Playboy, people buy the names, not the items. It might not even be a good item that people are buying. Just look at Starbucks. Starbucks sucks!

  
  

• Bang a few things together. Recently, a lot of rappers have just given up on making music. Instead of music, they decided to go with the way of trash. Basically, they look in a garbage can and find any item that could possibly makes noise. This constant banging of items would be used for the tempo or rhythm of the song. Everything makes a noise, all you have to do is find the right one, and make it work. Just look at “Stomp”. They make millions.

• Find a lot of words that rhyme. This is a tricky one, seeing how a lot of people aren’t poets. Although as hard as it might be, your best tool would be the famous 4^th grade Rhyming Dictionary. These things can be found at any local bookstore, such as Borders, or a Barnes and Nobles Book store. Just look up a word, and they list up to ten words that rhyme with it. Just make sure the words “silver”, “orange”, and “month” isn’t in your song, unless you want to throw the word “bitch” in there just for added effect.

• Have a hook with a man yelling in the background (Synthesize It). Looking at every single one of T-Pain’s songs (I use that term loosely), he uses some kind of synthesizer to mask the shit that is his singing voice so he sounds way better, compared to an actual robot singing. Rapper Lil’ Jon has made a living saying three words over and over again, song after song. That’s his only real talent. He doesn’t rap. He doesn’t manage. He doesn’t teach. He says three words over and over again, and receives his paycheck.

• Rent a boat, find a lake. Nothing says, "Hey, I own this place! Who the f*ck are you?" like a really big boat on a really big lake. It brings a certain class to the hip-hop artists of America. Must be why all the boats are white. Just look at the video by “The Lonely Island”. The entire thing is shot on a boat. Hell, they even sing about being on said boat, over and over again. Nothing happens in this song, there’s no real purpose of it all together. Have a look here.

• Bring a few "hotties" on board.  These "Hotties" are using the big busty girls who are not afraid to show a little "junk in their trunk" card. Often times, these under-dressed women are  wearing bikinis and either dancing to the poorly thrown together beat, or lying down sunbathing while wearing the worst, most expensive pair of sunglasses ever made. I guess no one told them about the Raccoon eyes they’ll have if they stay out too late.

• Feature as many of your boys as possible. Nothing says that you have friends more than a shot at the beginning of the video where you walk by waving at everyone you see, including the waiter, bartender, and Mexicans after they just took your coat and car keys from the Valet service. We get it, you like to seem like you’re loved. You’re not. It only makes you seem like a douche bag. Way to boost your self-esteem. Remember the “hotties” I was talking about earlier? If not, scroll up and take a look. Well, the friends of the “hotties” are always welcome on board, also. They can be the ones playing Dice and getting lap-dances off set inside the boat.

• Film the most outrageous moments. While you are being filmed, make the best montage you could possibly make. Just make sure this montage includes winning some money, throwing a hotel party, throwing the money in the air, and then having sex with a girl. You could do that, or go down the route of entering a party, chatting it up with the girls, coming home with a girl, then having sex with a girl. Either way, you’re getting laid.